How to Disarm / Calm Down Angry People

If you’re doing anything worthwhile in life, you will encounter angry and negative people along the way. Anger for the most part, manifests itself in times of when we lose control of a situation. People will get angry at you for altering any plan they had laid out in their minds, even if you did not know of your potential effects on these plans.

Your kids will get angry at you for not letting them follow-through with their plans to eat that cookie, or meet with their friends on the playground. Your coworkers will get angry at you for altering their plans for a group presentation through the introduction of new information. Finally, your neighbors will get angry at you for planting a tall tree and ruining their plans of a seamless view out of their kitchen window.

Anger from others thereby, is often very hard to anticipate. People have a myriad of plans inside their minds, and any one of those plans being derailed can result in anger towards you.

Victimize the Angered

The most effective way to mitigate anger from others is to first understand which one of their plans have been derailed – resulting in their expression of anger. You must do this by inquiring into why they are angry, and make judgements on the validity of the answers which they give you. Most people will shy away from telling you the true reason why they are angry with you. Sometimes they may not even consciously know it, so ask questions that will lead you to a plan of theirs gone wrong.

Once you figure out what plan of theirs went wrong, you must make them feel like the victim of the situation. Angry people tend to calm down when they realize that others recognize their victim-hood. Their anger being validated is what they ultimately seek, and your ego must be willing to let them have their moment. Something happened to them. They are seeking in approval of external factors existing which have influenced their plans.

This Does Not Mean You Must Apologize

Apologizing and victimizing are different acts which you must understand the difference of. Your actions may be inherently right in a situation which angers someone around you. Their anger may simply be caused by being surprised rather than being right. You must label them a victim of a situation without admitting that you are wrong if you are truly not. If you are, then admit it quickly, if not, then do not falsely apologize.

Acknowledge how the truth may have caused them to be a victim and sympathize with those who are angered over it. Label them victims and allow yourself to bring them comfort in admitting that fact. Their anger will slowly begin to morph into understanding of the situation. Their victim-hood will be validated and they will no longer have much to be angry about. If they continue to do so, you must begin explaining the facts of the situation in an emotionless manner.

Book Recommendation:

The Anger Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Anger Management

The Anger Workbook: An Interactive Guide to Anger Management by [Carter, Les, Minirth, Frank]


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